She Only Loves Herself

Today I was chatting with my loving Aunt up north on the phone.  I adore her, she is beautiful in heart and soul, I love her so much.  She is also my NM’s younger half sister.  To me, she is my loving Aunt who is more like a Mother to me.  My NM refuses to acknowledge her because she is not her ‘full’ sister, they have different fathers, and apparently because my Aunt and I get on so well.  Absolutely ridiculous reasons, but that’s a narc for you.

As my NM had 8 sister and 2 brothers as siblings, nowadays only 2 sisters and 1 brother like her or should I say tolerate her.  It has not always been this way.  At one stage she had them all twisted around her little finger, they thought that she had made it big, married a business man with lots of money.  They used to get out their fine china and served tea and cake when she came to town to impress her and tell her how proud they were of her.  They were all older than her and they were ‘proud’ of their little sister, she was so busy with her life in the big smoke with a business but she was raising a naughty little disrespectful girl, they felt so sorry for her because of me.  I don’t remember a lot of things but I do remember her running me down a lot, I never got a kind word out of that woman.

When we left, I remember her complaining about their homes and how untidy everything was, their children and how naughty they were or how fat they were, how bad their tea and cake was, but mostly I remember her complaining about how she hated them and the town and how quickly she always wanted to get out of there.  I only ever remember her visiting 2 Aunts back then, I never knew about all the others, maybe I blocked them out, maybe I just don’t remember, who knows.  But as there was only me to listen to her complaints who would ever believe me, right!

Narc like to put on a show, and they are perfect actors to play the parts too and she played her part so well.  And I was but a child.

When I left my narc husband, I moved up north to where all my NM’s family were.  Boy was I surprised to know there was so many family members that I knew absolutely nothing about.

I had been kept in the dark about her family big time.  I had also been brought up to be seen and not heard, and a quick look from my NM meant I was going to get a flogging later, so I always sat quietly and said ‘please and thank you’ and that was it when we went anywhere.  I got to hear many conversations as I wasn’t allowed to play with any children for one reason or another.

Initially, when I moved to Mackay it was difficult as NM had told them what she wanted them to know about me and yes, it was all bad.  I was a real bitch of a kid.  Of course she had to complain about something in her wonderful life, so she complained about this kid she had and she really went on about me.

My parents separated when I was 12 and by the time I was 14 she sent me to live with my NF stating I was ‘attention seeking, disrespectful and uncontrollable teenager’, and the reason she couldn’t get on with her life after the divorce.  The truth is I was a migraine suffering, on the verge of a mental breakdown teenager, who was her house slave that knew that she was not wanted around because my NM told me every single moment of the day.  (So yes, I ran away with another school friend who had major problems in her family.  Her father was molesting her.)

Over the next 10 plus years that my daughter and I lived in the beautiful seaside town her family got to know the real me not the version my NM had told them about.

Her family started to realised how much my NM lied and they started to see just how much ‘bullshit and lies’ NM went on with.  Some of them also started to see that she wasn’t a ‘mother’ to me or a ‘grandmother’ to my daughter during those 10 plus years  and their feelings and attitudes started to change towards her.  Especially when NM would pop into town for a big family function and she would play the ‘Mother and Grandmother’.  They could see it was ‘One Big Act’.  Especially the one she put on for my 30th, that was a an academy award winner!

NM always used the excuse that she didn’t know how to be a ‘Mother’.  Now as far as I am concerned, that is the biggest load of bullshit that I have ever heard in my entire life.  I  grew up without a real mother, I had a narc.  But I raised my beautiful daughter to the best of my ability and I feel that I was a pretty good mother (well I hope I was) and I hope to be the best Granny that my Grandbabies deserve.  It’s easy to be a Mother or a Grandmother or a Great GrandMother, it only takes love! … Simple … Love for someone else except for yourself …

Today, NM only has 2 Enablers that fight for her cause and her only living brother has Dementia.  His wife doesn’t like her or trust her, however  she tolerates her because she loves her husband.  She says my NM loves him but Narcs don’t love anyone except themselves.  I believe she keeps contact with him, or with anyone who likes her because her numbers (followers) are getting low.  She is getting older, she is over 75, looking for husband #4 and her (cough) friends are rare if any.

Will or would I take her in if she ever needs someone to look after her or somewhere to live?  NO WAY! …

You think I am being harsh don’t you?  I do it for my own mental health and sanity.  She has not looked after me since I was 14 years old and then, she hated and complained about it to anyone who would listen and I was the one who suffered most.  So why should I put myself through any more anguish just because I am her only child … She has not been around for myself or my daughter when we have needed a mother or a grandmother.

Do I not feel any obligation for her at all?  NO …

As far as I am concerned, let her enablers (sisters) that love and adore her so much care for her.  After all, they love her more than I do.  I do not hate her, which she does go on about, I just feel nothing for her.  I will be forever tormented emotionally because of her.  If I wasn’t, this blog wouldn’t exist, I wouldn’t feel the need to put my feelings down and warn others.

Yes, she is my biological mother, she gave birth to me, but she is not my mother, she has not mothered me or been a mother for me and we, as a family, do not mention her name.  Her enablers think/feel that she loves them.  How wrong they are.  She needs them to fluff up her ego.  She will only ever love herself.

So why do I write these Blogs?

By putting down situations or conversations that happen to me, or that trigger me, if one person reads them and it helps them understand their family member/s or a relationship that they are in, then I have helped one person.  That’s is all that is important to me.  If I can help more than one, that’s fantastic!  I went until my late 40’s before I got the help I needed to know and understand what a Narcissist was or about NPD Narcissist Personality Disorder – Don’t you love how they get the terminology and we end up with the mental health problems and end up needing help and treatment? …

Take care xxx

©Narcissistic Truth & Klea